PURIMSPIEL! ISRAEL-PAL. PEACE ANNOUNCED!! GOLD, SILVER, URANIUM FOUND IN ISRAEL, AS JEWISH “DEATH-STAR” LAUNCHED INTO SPACE

Peace-Process Breakthrough Reached—New Palestinian State Will be in Uganda: Theo Dawr Hairstile, Jerusalem Retort, September 24, 2014— After an all-night final negotiating session, which capped two years of intensive negotiations, and amid scenes of delight and jubilation across the region, it was announced that Israel and the Palestinians had finally arrived at a final peace agreement. 

Oil, Gas, Coal, Silver, Gold, Copper, Titanium, Uranium, and Diamonds Found in Negev and Dead Sea Area, as Well as Immense Water Aquifers: Emmet V. Zedek, Jerusalem Poesis, September 13, 2015— All  Israel was thrilled by President Sharansky’s announcement today that immense and inexhaustible reserves of oil, gas, coal, silver, gold, copper, titanium, uranium, diamonds and water have been found in the southern Negev and Dead Sea areas.

IDF Unveils “Game-Changing” Space Station, World Beats Path to Israel’s Door: Rodbert Coals, Weakly Standard, Mar. 10, 2014— Israeli military spokesman Langford Cohen revealed at a press conference Thursday that the IDF has successfully tested a new earth-orbiting space station.

On Topic Links

How the Star of David and Earmuffs Were Discovered: A Purim Revelation: Allan M. Levine, Mar. 14, 2014

Yeshiva Takes Over Jerusalem’s Mamilla Mall for Purim Dance: Tzvi Ben-Gedalyahu, Jewish Press, Mar. 13, 2014

Still Standing, in Spite of Everything: Annika Hernroth-Rothstein, Jerusalem Post, Mar. 12, 2014

Purim Music Video: "The Haman Remembrance": Elder of Ziyon, Mar. 13, 2014

            PURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIEL

“Iran's nuclear program is very healthy. We have not lost sight of our targets, and we have not nor will we dismantle anything.”—Mohammad Zarif, Iran's foreign minister, addressing the media Tuesday. His remarks came after a visit to the recently completed monument to 9/11 in Tehran. At the monument, which honours the “brave soldiers of true jihad” who “gave their lives for a Muslim future,” Zarif praised Al-Qaeda's efforts to “foster international harmony and justice among all nations. Just like Iran's nuclear program.”  (Evin Prison Evening News [Teheran], Mar.11, 2014)

“…a wildly dangerous Iranian position… utterly lacking in transparency.”—Senator John McCain, commenting on Tuesday’s interview with Zarif. McCain criticized the Obama administration for its endorsement of Iran’s position. Mohammad al-Johnson, a spokesman for the Obama administration, responded, calling McCain's criticisms “A nineteenth century response to 21^st century problems.” Al-Johnson went on to say: “It does not matter what Iran says it is doing. You cannot trust what Iran says. What you can trust, however, is that they are dismantling their nuclear facilities and have absolutely no intention of building a nuclear bomb.” (Congress’nall Wrecker, Mar.12, 2014)

“I do not know how we can be clearer. We have repeatedly told the international community that the nuclear deal changes absolutely nothing for Iran's nuclear program. We embrace the west and look forward to fostering to our new American partnership.”—Iranian foreign minister Zarif, responding this morning on Twitter; Ayatollah Khamenei too joined the media frenzy, adding: “Death to America.” (Farce News Network [Teheran], Mar.13, 2014)

“We will try to get some kind of consensus or maybe suggest some economic sanctions against Russia, or whatever.”—Official White House spokeswoman Michelle Obama, announcing the Obama Administration’s approach to the Russian takeover of Crimea last week. This hawkish financial stance was echoed by Secretary of State John Kerry, who called Russia's occupation of the Crimea “… a real faux pas,” adding that it is “the geopolitical equivalent of wearing denims to a cocktail party. Honestly, the whole thing makes me uncomfortable.”  (Washington Putz, Mar.14, 2014)

“[Obama’s] earnest and well intentioned foreign policy efforts” were complimented by Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, who, smiling, applauded the Obama administration in general for its resetting of the formerly unset reset, but who also urged Obama to “not be too hasty” in judging problems “arising between fraternal soviet Eastern European states…remember Syria and Iran?”—Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov. (Moscow, Tsktsk News  Service, Mar.14, 2014)

“This sort of forthright and frankly dangerous foreign policy stance is completely at odds with the rational behaviour that the Obama administration has judiciously exhibited thus far.”—Russian President Vladimir Putin, addressing the US's proposed sanctions proposal in a Moscow interview on Thursday. He added, smiling, “Let our American friends remember that we have three more years to benefit from one another's, uh, international peace efforts.  We look forward to continued cooperation during that time.”  (Moscow, Depravda, Mar.15, 2014)

“I have looked into his eyes, and I have seen…nothing.”—Vladimir Putin’s diary entry for Feb.19, 2009, after meeting US President Obama for the first time. (Observers following Russia’s recent absorption of Crimea and eastern Ukraine have noted Putin’s new bushy moustache, and his difficulties unbending his right arm….).  (Krasnaya Leninskaya News Service, “Stalin Redivivus”, March 29, 2014)

“Not true—do they think we are barbarians? Jews will be allowed to live in an independent Palestine, so long as they accept  having no voting rights, no property rights, no juridical standing, wearing yellow stars, and giving Muslims precedence on sidewalks.”—Mahmud Abbas, responding to “Zionist” criticisms that an independent Palestine would be Judenrein. (Al-Qnudl Daily, Ramallah, Mar.14, 2014)

“I am looking forward to being in Israel—after all, talking to God there is cheaper, it’s a local call!”—Pope Francis, commenting on his upcoming visit to Israel. (L’Absurditore Romano, Mar. 5, 2014)

“I would like to congratulate Richard Falk (former UN Palestinian rapporteur) on his promotion to human-rights commissioner for the Central Congo Republic, and wish him godspeed.”—Hillel Alter, Human Rights Quatsch, Ginever, Swisherland, Mar. 10, 2014)

“Mon dieu, c’est pas possible– l’antisemitisme n’existe pas en France.”—French President Francois Hollande, rudely awakened in the cold early-morning winter bedroom of his new first-partner, by the sound of thousands of hobnailed boots and the sight of  quenelle-ing black-shirts marching on  the Presidential palace in Paris. (Le Maudit, March 14, 2014).

            PURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIEL

QUEBEC LEADER GUARANTEES YIDDISH (Montreal)—Pauline Marois, Quebec premier and advocate of Bill 60 and the province’s separation, revealing that her grandmother was born in Vilna, has announced that, while English would be banned in an independent Quebec, Yiddish would be guaranteed. “Il faut proteger la mammaloshenm,” she said. (L’Aurevoir, 12 Mars 2014)

PQ LEADER CRACKS DOWN ON ANGLOPHONE SMILES – The PQ has announced today that in its continuing expansion of Bill 101, it is seeking to crackdown on the use of “Anglophone” smiles as a greeting in commercial settings. Mme Lalourde, Quebec Minister of Parochial Excellence announced that in addition to removing scones and crumpets from all but a few specialty shops, the Language Enforcement Agency would be targeting “a certain type of identifiably Anglophone smile.” The PQ has recently sought to underscore that Quebec is not a bilingual province, and, Marois commented Thursday: “we don’t want Anglophones smiling here.” A number of communities have reacted to expansive PQ solidarity policies, however, one of the more benign reactions comes from the Montreal Jewish community. Rabbi Schlamozzel said that this year for Purim, his congregation would be eating Maroistaschen. (The Post Nationalist, Mar. 11, 2014)

OBAMA REVEALS IRAN NUCLEAR SOLUTION (Washington)— A secret retrieved from the Wikileaks treasure-trove has revealed President Obama’s ultimate plan, to transfer America’s entire nuclear arsenal to Teheran, in return for Iran’s pledge to stop its own development and never to use the American weapons. This would achieve, in one fell stroke, both Obama’s dreamed-of American nuclear disarmament  and the ending of Iranian nuclear development. The leaked plan indicated, however, that the U.S. will clearly warn Iran of dire consequences should they use any of the American weapons. (New York Roast, Mar. 10, 2014)

COMMENTS ON WIKILEAKS REVELATION (New York) —V-P Joe Biden, at Obama’s side, adopting one of his patented steely-determined looks, said the leak revealed Obama’s brilliant foresight, strength, and courage; Hillary Clinton commented “What does it matter, it happened long ago–where’s Bill on this?”; the American mainline media attacked critics for partisanly pointing out that an already disarming US would have no nuclear, let alone military, assets with which to respond if Iran violated the deal. In Jerusalem, Prime Minister Netanyahu said  “%$””!!?&**!!–I told you so!”; while in Teheran, President Rouhani and Ayatollah Khamenei, arm-in-arm, laughed all the way to the bank. (Congress`nall Quarteredly, Mar.14, 2014)

VLADIMIR PUTIN RENAMES KIEV “PUTINGRAD” (Moscow) — Channelling two of the great patriotic Soviet leaders of the 20^th century, Lenin and Stalin, Vladimir “the Siberian Strongman” Putin earlier this week announced his intention to rename Kiev, Ukraine’s capital city, “Putingrad” in his glorious honour. Chess master Garry Kasparov commented on this bold political move by Tweeting “well played @Putin #winning #backintheUSSR.” No reaction yet from Ukraine’s interim government. Putin, however, at a press conference immediately following his much publicised wrestling contest with Canadian politician Rob Ford, said bluntly “Ukraine? Please, I will body-slam any of their so-called leaders so hard that they will need a NATO search and rescue team to locate all the pieces.” (Prada Proletarian Post, Mar. 5, 2014).

                                                                                                                Contents
                                       

                 PURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIEL 

PEACE-PROCESS BREAKTHROUGH REACHED—

NEW PALESTINIAN STATE WILL BE IN UGANDA

Theo Dawr Hairstile

Jerusalem—After an all-night final negotiating session, which capped two years of intensive negotiations, and amid scenes of delight and jubilation across the region, it was announced that Israel and the Palestinians had finally arrived at a final peace agreement.  In return for recognizing Israel as a Jewish state on both the East and West Banks (including Gaza), the Palestinians have been given the entire territory of Uganda, as well as a 25-year $100 billion development fund.

UNRWA will organize the transport of the Palestinians to their new state, and administer the Palestinian National Fund, which will be supplied through a joint U.S.-European Union Commission. Hamas has approved, and will build and administer a Palestine-Land amusement park, complete with Temple Mount and Dome of the Rock, in Kampala, capital of Uganda (no Jews will be allowed).  

There was dancing in the streets of Kampala, as native Ugandans learned that they would be richly compensated for their agreement to an enforced move to Canada.  Meanwhile, rioting broke out in Jordan, where Palestinian residents demanding to be included in the deal besieged King Abdullah in the royal palace.

At the UN, the Human Rights Council has been disbanded, since its primary concern, ensuring the “rights” of the Palestinians and critiquing the “Zionist entity,” no longer obtained. (In Europe and North America, the Israeli Apartheid Week/BDS minions on scores of campuses also dejectedly closed down their operations, with some saying they would now turn their attention to France’s suppression of Corsican freedom-fighters.)

In Russia, Vladimir Putin, fresh from his occupation of  Ukraine, and the Baltic states, complimented John Kerry on his diplomatic finesse.  (Kerry, at the hairdresser puffing up his pompadour, issued a forceful “No Comment”; President Obama, playing golf for the 476th time in six years, couldn’t be reached for a statement. But J-Street and other “liberal” Jewish groups condemned the peace deal as mercenary, saying it humiliated both Palestinians and Ugandans, and wasn’t worthy of a people committed to “tikkun olam”.

In Israel, Prime Minister Lieberman spoke to cheering crowds in Hebron and Ma’alei Adumim, and broke ground for over a score of new communities in the former West Bank. A Neturei Karta anti-Zionist ultra-orthodox delegation to the Knesset made tshuvah and asked for forgiveness, while Peace Now announced a name-change, to One Israel, United. 

(From the Megiddo area in the North, reports of an Aramaic-speaking man surrounded by an illuminated mandala and riding a white donkey, began to reach Jerusalem, causing a stir—in Hollywood, Stephen Spielberg denied any responsibility.)

(Jerusalem Retort, September 24, 2014)

Contents
                                        

           PURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIEL     

OIL, GAS, COAL, SILVER, GOLD, COPPER, TITANIUM, URANIUM, AND DIAMONDS FOUND IN NEGEV AND DEAD SEA AREA,

AS WELL AS IMMENSE WATER AQUIFERS

Emmet V. Zedek

All  Israel was thrilled by President Sharansky’s announcement today that immense and inexhaustible reserves of oil, gas, coal, silver, gold, copper, titanium, uranium, diamonds and water have been found in the southern Negev and Dead Sea areas.

The culmination of a decade of exploration and development, the new proven resources make Israel the richest state in the world. Already the second most wealthy nation, behind China, through its start-up technology development and technological innovations (including the new medical discoveries an equipment prolonging life for up to 50 years), today’s announcement was met by dazzled wonder, and not a little resentment, around the world.

American President Jeb Bush congratulated Israel, noting ruefully that the US hadn’t yet recovered from the economic and political damage done during the Obama years. Soviet President Putin, in his fourth term, took time off from nude wrestling with alligators to admit that it was a relief that Europe would now be supplied by Israel, so that Russia could benefit from its own energy resources.

The European Union, announcing its support for a united Jewish Jerusalem, said it was sending a delegation to Jerusalem immediately to plead with Israel for most-favored nations’ status.  And while the Arab League denounced the announcement as “Zionist trickery” , President Al-Sisi of Egypt entered into secret oil-gas-water negotiations with Jerusalem, and Saudi Arabia secretly  began talks about access to Israeli uranium supplies).

In Teheran, the gnashing of mullah teeth could distinctly be heard—it’s bad enough that Israel destroyed our nuclear installations years ago, one ayatollah said, now they’re even outmaneuvering our last-gasp zagat banking by cornering the supply of gold and silver.   Hezbollah’s nonagerian Nasrallah, speaking to his 4-5 surviving intimates in his Atlas Mountain hideaway (where they had fled after Israel’s destruction of their Beirut-south Lebanon bases in the Third Lebanon War, instigated by them), finally had to admit the victory of  these the “cunning apes and pigs.”

In Jerusalem, Prime Minister Lieberman—saying Israel must use its new wealth wisely and with compassion—announced a massive aid plan for Syria, whose entire population went into exile years ago, before President Assad and his entourage, fleeing  to Iran, were destroyed by a massive helicopter box-bomb.  “Syria will be rebuilt, including the  Aleppo and the historic synagogue there,” Lieberman said.

As stock values skyrocketed to never-before-seen heights on the Tel Aviv Exchange, and representatives of all nations flocked to Israel, a strange report came from Jerusalem: lions and lambs were lying down together in the Biblical Zoo there, and Israel’s Olympic fencing-team reported that, incredibly, their épées had turned into plow-shares.

                         (Jerusalem Poesis, September 21, 2015)

Contents
                                  

            PURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIEL        

IDF UNVEILS “GAME-CHANGING” SPACE STATION,

WORLD BEATS PATH TO ISRAEL’S DOOR

Rodbert Coales

(Tel Aviv) — Israeli military spokesman Langford Cohen revealed at a press conference Thursday that the IDF has successfully tested a new earth-orbiting space station. Dubbed the “Star of David,” the moon-like space station is designed to orbit the Earth’s atmosphere, track, and intercept, rockets and missiles launched at Israel’s cities from enemy locations. “This new weapon is a game changer for the IDF,” stated Eshsom (“Bogie”) Yeah’alone, Israel’s Defence Minister. Yeah’alone added that “Iron Dome [Israel’s enormously successful missile defence system] has been very effective in dismantling and neutralizing short-range rockets launched from Hamas bases in Gaza and Sinai, or Hezbollah rockets from Lebanon. However, this new space station is designed for a pre-emptive strike, for example on [CENSORED], in the event that our intelligence sources receive reports that the [CENSORED] are constructing a nuclear weapon.”

The Star of David is unique because it was built entirely in outer space by Israeli astronauts using titanium Lego pieces and modified  Sodastream  parts. Designed and built by Haifa-based Raphael Advanced Defence Systems Intergalactic Division, the space station carries a formidable arsenal of weapons: an atom-powered tractor-beam that focuses gravitational pull on enemy space ships, and a modified version of Iron Beam, a turbo powered, laser-firing device already in use in Israel. “Whereas on land, our defensive weapons such as Iron Beam and David’s Sling are relatively slow to be deployed to battle zones at short notice, this new space station can appear in the thick of the battle in minutes,” said IDF Chief of Staff Lt. Gen. Binyamin  “Bidsnny” Glands. Alternately, added Glands, “we can park this weapon over Sinai and remove terrorist threats directly from their bases, we can also beam selected enemies up to the station, for intelligence purposes” (he implied this accounts for Hezbollah chief Nasrallah’s recent disappearance). “We can also,” Glands added jokingly, “target the Oval Office if necessary.”

Last week, rumours began circulating that Palestinian “rebel” spies, trained by Iran’s Revolutionary Guard, had stolen top-secret design blueprints of the Star of David, potentially exposing a weakness in its design that could be exploited by an enemy military strike. Cohen said only that a Palestinian woman, who had become close to President Peron Shemes, was captured by the IDF two weeks ago–she had attempted to steal sensitive information about the space station. IDF soldiers, however, using the Star’s extractive laser beam, prevented her from delivering the information to Palestinian Authority headquarters in Ramallah.

Anti-Israel activists in Europe and North America, supported by incensed J-Street supporters have, predictably, begun protesting what they are calling Israel’s “Death Star.” The activists launched new BDS-style boycotts targeting Israeli- and American-owned defense companies. As usual, the boycotts will have little effect on Israel’s booming hi-tech military sector, but organizers say the goal of the boycott is symbolic, drawing attention to what they believe amounts to a game-changing offensive super-weapon. A visibly frustrated Yeah’alone retorted, “those Left-wing New York Times-reading liberals should stick to drinking cappuccinos and listening to NPR and Radiohead. They don’t understand that this weapon is strictly for defensive purposes. Look, when long-range, [CENSORED]-built, missiles are fired at New York or London, who are you going to call, the IDF, or the pre-1940-level American military brought to you  by Hagel and John Kerry?”  Asked to comment on the rumours that the Saudis, General al-Sisi, and Vladimir Putin had expressed interest in acquiring the IDF’s latest wonder-weapon, “Bogie” declined to reply, saying that he leaves those decisions up to the politicians, not the military. 

(Weakly Standard, Mar.10, 2014.  Rodbert Coales is the Standard’s Militarism Editor)         

           PURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIELPURIMSPIEL 

CIJR wishes all its friends and supporters

Hag Purim Sameah, Happy Purim!

How the Star of David and Earmuffs Were Discovered: A Purim Revelation: Allan M. Levine, Mar. 14, 2014 —Many centuries ago, just before Purim eve, two Jews ran into each other (literally) as they were rushing home for the holiday.

Yeshiva Takes Over Jerusalem’s Mamilla Mall for Purim Dance (Video): Tzvi Ben-Gedalyahu, Jewish Press, Mar. 13, 2014 —Students at the Makor Chaim yeshiva, also known as the “Steinsaltz” yeshiva in Gush Etzion south of Jerusalem, turn into a “flash mob” every year before Purim to get everyone in the right mood for the holiday.

Still Standing, in Spite of Everything: Annika Hernroth-Rothstein, Jerusalem Post, Mar. 12, 2014 —On the night of November 10, 1938, etched in to history as the Kristallnacht, practically every single synagogue in Germany was destroyed by Nazis.

Purim Music Video: "The Haman Remembrance": Elder of Ziyon, Mar. 13, 2014 —Probably a bunch of copyright violations here, but for a local synagogue video, this is surprisingly good