CIJR | Canadian Institute for Jewish Research
L'institut Canadien de Recherches sur le Judaisme

Analysis

I Wanted Absolute Faith in God, I Got Something Else Instead

Silver kiddush cup.jpg - Wikimedia Commons
Silver kiddush cup.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

Robert Warren

18Forty, Apr. 3, 2025 

“If in my youth Judaism seemed ancient and powerful, in my young adulthood Judaism was almost anachronistic.”

I’m eight years old, and I push open the heavy front door of my grandparent’s house and squint into the darkness of the yard. I wonder if Elijah the Prophet will show up this year. I return to the Seder table after a few moments and rest my chin on the ornate tablecloth, closing one eye and focusing hard on the edge of the cup to see if the wine moves or changes in any way. The color remains the same, and as far as I can tell, the level doesn’t drop. Now I am unsure.

In all of my early years and those Seder nights at my beloved grandparent’s home, I never once caught the wine moving. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to see it move, or maybe just believe that it would move. The message of the custom was unclear to me.

There was love in those Seder evenings, and there was tradition. We reclined in our chairs and told the story of Exodus. Yet, for me at least, there was something missing at the table. I could perform the actions of the evening, and maybe even convince myself to believe whatever was expected, but I was always unsatisfied, feeling like I was missing something.

In hindsight, I realize that I lacked properly aligned emunah—that necessary integrating element that is the foundation for belief and action; emunah allows action to nurture belief and belief to inspire action.

In hindsight, I realize that I lacked properly aligned emunah. ….SOURCE

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